Episode 17, The AWP: Habits That Will Make or Break You Featuring Rylee Applebee (Recovery Episode)

Episode 17, The AWP: Habits That Will Make or Break You Featuring Rylee Applebee (Recovery Episode)

In this episode we tackle habit forming for kids, here are the 3 tips we learned if you want to move from endless nagging to delegation:

• 1. Pick one single basic habit

• 2. Get a timer

• 3. Enforce the consequence

Now for the number 1 habit to make your new year… recovery!

Here are 7 principles of recovery that will catapult you into the new year…

First practice step #4 alone from the 12 steps and you will be above the cut

step #4:

We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Here are the 7 principles achieved once you can admit we are ALL in recovery

#1 first admit we all need to recover from something

#2 this admission will place you a cut above in emotional maturity

#3 recovery asks & answers tough questions

#4 no one goes alone: REMEMBER JAMES 5

16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for

each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a

righteous person is powerful and effective. 17 Elijah was a

human being, even as we are. He prayed earnestly that it

would not rain, and it did not rain on the land for three and a

half years.

#5 brutal honesty is the only honesty

#6 watch the junk in your life move from dark to light

#7 its strategic and meticulous (that’s what makes it brutal)

As always here are the audio files

MP3

iTunes

Here are some links for further study:

Listen to this talk if you want to shape up habits in your kids life

https://simplycharlottemason.com/store/laying-down-rails-habits-workshop/?attribute_pa_media-type=audio-mp3-download

To get to work on the meticulous digging of your past, your wounds, stuck areas and bad habits grab this little workbook and invite 2-3 others to join you!

https://www.biblesatcost.com/the-life-recovery-workbook-a-biblical-guide-through-the-twelve-steps-softcover-352.html?fee=1&fep=35&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIweqAv6rK3wIV6h-tBh2McQJpEAQYASABEgIhtvD_BwE

To read about your family history and how it’s impacting your health (along with so many other brilliant insights) grab this classic from Pete Scazzero.

https://www.amazon.com/Emotionally-Healthy-Spirituality-Impossible-Spiritually/dp/0310348498/ref=asc_df_0310348498/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312562231174&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=9792487286474645844&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1014218&hvtargid=pla-504503892127&psc=1

I also recommend Pete’s podcast for anyone at any point of their spiritual journey!

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-emotionally-healthy-leader-podcast/id1064966935?mt=2&i=1000422861470

Anger and The Filling Of the Holy Spirit

Anger and The Filling Of the Holy Spirit

I struggle with anger.

I have, I wonder sometimes, replaced one addiction for another. They say (recovery and rehab “experts”) that’s what happens anyway… you give up on one thing and you replace it with another intoxicating habit.

I gave up booze 3 years ago this August. And while I’m not convinced that I am an alcoholic (I’ve probably been drunk 2 or 3 times in my life), I do believe that I might be a user.

So I’ve given up alcohol and before that it was probably pornography, but what about today? Am I an anger addict? Do I need anger management?

Don’t get me wrong-I don’t run around punching holes in walls or throwing things (at least when people are looking or indoors), smashing phones, getting physical with people… I’m not verbally abusive. But I do get temperamental, impatient, aggressive, angry in a way when it comes to my kids in particular (having 5 under 5 might have been a little ambitious after all).

So maybe I’m my biggest critic… maybe I’m not an anger junky… but I struggle and I fall short… tremendously short sometimes. I feel weak in this area, incapable, insufficient… sometimes at a total and complete loss of how to get better.

And yet somehow, someway I’m meant to get in front of a bunch of people this weekend and preach on the following subject:

how the filling of the Holy Spirit makes you live an altogether different life. 

Basically it’s like this: on our own-our own power, will, ability, effort we will always and forever fall hopelessly short of living any kind of good, true or just life.

But the premise, LITERALLY OF THE WHOLE NEW TESTAMENT, is that though we can’t on our own, with the Holy Spirit (i.e. The power of the living God inside ourselves) we can.

See this is where it gets interesting. I am a fallen and broken man. And I’m supposed to get up in front of people and explain the truths about how the beginning of God’s power, through the Holy Spirit, meets precisely at our end.

Our end is where He’s beginning.

That’s actually the meaning of the verse, “my power is made perfect in your weakness”  (2 Corinthians 12:9) it means that his strength, his power, his ability is made complete, it comes to a whole when we can no longer ‘keep it together, get it going, try our best’

Well here is what, in part, I have decided to share with them.

I learned about what is really the word with a million meanings; it’s the Greek word used in Ephesians 5 for Paul’s instruction to be “filled with the Spirit.”

He’s just finished outlining all these behaviors and lifestyle choices (of his time-yes indeed still prevalent today) like greed and slanderous talk, promiscuous sex and getting wasted at parties (literally that’s what he says-told you not much has changed).

He says the old is gone (he’s talking to a whole bunch of folks who are saying yes to the Jesus way for the first time-no Judaism as a starting place-just from pagan to follower “overnight”) and with the new you can expect to look, smell, think differently.

And he says this can come only by means of the Holy Spirit. He, in fact, states it as a command, “be FILLED with the Holy Spirit.”

So what of this Greek word?

It’s the word plēroō

I’ll briefly unpack at least 3 different meanings of just his one word.

The first is like the filling of a sail thereby carrying the ship along. When we are filled with the Holy Spirit then and only then will we witness some movement.

That’s what we are after isn’t it? Enough of this definition of insanity! Enough of this stagnancy! Let us move from this place!

The second is like the drenching of a preserved meat with salt. It is a level of saturation that one just cannot shake. When we are filled with the Holy Spirit such that it permeates our every breath then and only then will we witness a different life.

A salty life, a life of flavor and preservation, a legacy that lasts… that’s what we’re after isn’t it?

The third meaning is about control. I have no metaphor to describe this last aspect but it is very simple:

You will produce that which consumes you. What you are filled with-that thing will control you.

When we are filled with the Holy Spirit, we will be controlled by the Holy Spirit and my oh my what a thing will that be to behold…

That’s what I want. That’s what I want for me, for my family, for my faith community, for the worldwide body of believers.

That’s all I have for you this week. Though you will see that I have attached the 12 steps below. I just always come back to these. Because they are the mental/emotional prescription or doorway to work in conjunction with the spiritual one I’ve given above.

I’ve said it before but for those who want to work on whatever issue they battle in their life-social, emotional, chemical-it doesn’t matter; these steps if taken seriously, I think could usher in serious levels of health that you never thought imaginable.


CELEBRATE RECOVERY 12 STEPS AND BIBLICAL COMPARISONS

1. We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.

For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. Romans 7:18 NIV

2. We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. Philippians 2:13 NIV

3. We made a decision to turn our lives and our wills over to the care of God.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God – this is your spiritual act of worship. Romans 12:1 NIV

4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord. Lamentations 3:40 NIV

5. We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. James 5:16a NIV

6 We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. James 4:10 NIV

7 We humbly asked Him to remove all our shortcomings.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 NIV

8 We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

Do to others as you would have them do to you. Luke 6:31 NIV

9 We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. Matthew 5:23-24 NIV

10 We continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! 1 Corinthians 10:12

11 We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of His will for us, and power to carry that out.

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly. Colossians 3:16a NIV

12 Having had a spiritual experience as the result of these steps, we try to carry this message to others and practice these principles in all our affairs.

Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore them gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Galatians 6:1 NIV

 

“Recovery” (And 7 Things that we ALL Can Learn From The 12-Steps)

“Recovery” (And 7 Things that we ALL Can Learn From The 12-Steps)

At the church where I belong and work we have arguably one of the largest faith-based recovery group in the country…

On average over 300 people come to “Lifelines” every week on Fridays for what, those familiar with the 12-steps, would call a “meeting.”

Partially this is because our city, Costa Mesa, is one of the national capitols for group homes, recovery organizations, sober living institutes and treatment centers. 

It’s also because our church (and our Lifelines Director!) have done an incredible job of welcoming people and developing people who are looking to turn their lives around. 

But my point is not to toot our own horn here. My point is to speak about recovery from a general learning stance and how I firmly believe the 12-steps are a necessary work for every person, definitely every leader. 

And rather than unpack all 12 steps, there is one that I wish to focus on… step #4:

We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

I find myself utterly fixated on the beauty and power of this statement. I love this statement and the potential that working the 12-steps carries for several reasons… I figure I will just list them and let you decide:

  1. First, I just like the word… recovery. It suggests something about our mutual state. That truly all of us from birth are in the midst of recovering from a harsh entry and ensuing reality. Whether you were raised in a perfect cookie-cutter home or your life was total chaos-everyone’s in it… just very few admit it.
  2. After having met dozens of people in recovery, those working the steps, I am convinced that they are literally a cut above the average person-BECAUSE they have agreed to undergo this process. Now whether they fail or succeed-I don’t know. But I don’t care… because how many of you would say yes to that step listed up there?!
  3. I love all the steps and the process as a whole because it means asking questions and processing things that the average person could go their whole lives and never grow through. One could just sit at work, staring at a computer screen everyday for 8 hours for the rest of your life and never change, grow, evolve. 
  4. The steps are not about “SELF-improvement”… the program places chief emphasis on two big ideas: 1, a higher power and; 2, community. The first step is declaring powerlessness, the second?… It’s that someone else has the power (i.e. God). And the program takes special utilization of the word “we”… why? Because the founders new the power of accountability and fellowship in the face of foolish isolation. 
  5. I love people who have agreed to treatment and the 12-steps because they have submitted: “I have a problem and I want to get better.” In short, these people are honest. I just think so few of the rest of us would dare to be so bold. Yeah, so you’re not addicted to booze or heroin-so what. What about that anger problem… that passive aggressive streak… that fear… that anxiety… that unresolved issue… are you even a little bit interested in how you got there and how you might change or learn from it?!
  6. Now on to this particular step. I love it because it’s ruthless. It says: ‘rip through me… the moments, the memories, the scars, wounds and brokenness… so I might wake up to the realities around me’
  7. In step #4 you’re literally supposed to take an event or circumstance then break it down into: effects; feelings and finally; self-examination. GOD, HOW PAINFUL IS THAT?! I mean how many of us seriously and completely ever even go down that road?!

If you’ve ever thought: “man, maybe I need therapy or counseling” then look no further than the the 12-steps. All you need is a book and a mentor/someone to facilitate (and they do NOT have to be a paid professional-that’s the beauty). 

I’ve said it before, but one of the things I believe that makes a truly great leader is self-awareness… the 12 steps is merely a tool to take that point to a whole other brutal level. 

It is a brutal experiment but it’s a WORTHY brutal experiment because it leads to growth. And growth leads to new life. 

That’s the beauty of self-awareness: it’s honest, introspective, surgical BUT doesn’t end there. All of that should lead to decisions, action and progress. 

I’ll put it to you like this: if you’re a leader and you haven’t committed to this discipline either daily in a small way or generally in a systematic way then you’ve skipped one of the great and mandatory “passages” of leadership. AND you will never fully reach your potential NOR can the organizations/people you lead until you do. 

To use one of the MANY great AA credos I’ve heard over the years, “you can save face or save your ass.” In other words: you can keep faking it, remaining “surface level” or you can change and grow. 

What will you chose to do… today, in your relationships… your workplace… your family… your cringe-worthy habits…?

4 Things I Ask of Every Person I Coach or Mentor

4 Things I Ask of Every Person I Coach or Mentor

It’s a question I get maybe once or twice a year…

Of those who ask some actually stick around… A relationship is formed of mutual sharpening, hopefully squarely upon the shoulders of the mentee, but I would argue there are benefits to the giver and the receiver alike.

…and some don’t really stick around. They desire someone to give them some good ideas, support, encouragement, prayer even and who knows if you’ll ever see them again…

When it comes to actually doing something with that hour spent, when it comes to actually heeding the wisdom and advice shared… shoot, when it comes to just even showing up for the meeting-things become a little less certain.

After the last couple years without a plan, I’ve finally tried to add some boundaries and definitions around what we’re getting into when we agree to a coaching, training, or developing relationship.

Well before I get into those structures and expectations there is one thing that sets the stage for the whole deal and that’s: mastering the art of “the ask.” Read this previous post if you haven’t, because it sets the whole stage for talking about commitments in a 1:1 personal development context.

Commit to consistent meeting

Before concluding the meeting we have to agree how often we are going to meet. It’s not about the time, day and all the tactical details at this point. But why wouldn’t you at least understand the basic frequency of what we’re talking about here? I suggest for almost all situations 1/month.

Commit to intentional meeting

Before concluding the meeting, I ask them to commit to “leading up” in a way, which is putting the onus on them to pursue me when it comes to communications and setting up meetings.

I tell most people, listen: if you send me an email requesting a meeting; if you are standing there with your phone out saying, ‘I’m open, I’m free, I’m willing and I’m making the time because it matters’ then I almost always promise them that my response and commitment to finding a meeting time is as good as gold.

A person could grab me in passing and say, ‘hey when are we going to meet up, man?’ 15 weekends in a row, but until they actually get their phone/calendar out and say I’m ready let’s go, I’m not buying it.

Commit to tough questions

At this point in my life, more than ever, I believe in the centrality of this statement: great leaders live for tough questions…firing them off and taking them like champs. 

Influence and impact can only come through the road of tough questions. And there will always be a moment of truth (or several) in your exchange with a mentee that if you don’t capitalize on them you’re wasting everyone’s time.

Tough questions are the road to growth. Tough questions are the gracious and loving call out. Tough questions are the seeds of accountability and progress.

Commit to pay it forward

As a leader you should always carry the burden of multiplication. If what you’re doing, if the work you’ve committed to being a part of within someone else’s life never goes beyond you and them, then you’ve missed one heck of an opportunity.

Whether you’re a Christian or not, whether you believe in “discipleship,” evangelism, or spreading the good news to a greater and greater circle of people, every leader ought to have at least two core convictions about themselves:

  1. that what’s inside them (how they care, think, see) is worth multiplying and 2. what we commit to doing could always reach more.